- How did the ornament get addicted to Christmas?
He was hooked on trees his whole life. - Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
Because he had very low elf esteem.
- What does the Grinch do with a baseball bat?
Hits a gnome and runs.
- What do you call a broke Santa Claus?
Saint-nickel-less.
- What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.
- Why did Frosty ask for a divorce?
His wife was a total flake.
- Why does Scrooge love reindeer so much?
Because every single buck is dear to him!
- What do you get when you cross a duck with Santa?
A Christmas quacker.
- What’s Santa’s favorite snack food?
Crisp Pringles.
- Why do mummies like Christmas so much?
They’re into all the wrapping.
- How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
Nothing. It was on the house!
- How do you help someone who’s lost their Christmas spirit?
Nurse them back to elf.
- What do you call an elf wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want. He can’t hear you!
- What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish.
- What do you call a blind reindeer?
I have no eye deer.
- What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?
Rude-olph.
- How is Christmas exactly like your job?
You do all the work and some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.
- What’s every elf’s favorite type of music?
Wrap.
- What do you call a scary looking reindeer?
A cariboo.
- What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frostbite.
- What’s the absolute best Christmas present?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
- What do reindeer say before they tell you a joke?
This one’s gonna sleigh you!
- What do you call Santa’s little helpers?
Subordinate clauses.
- What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas?
It’s finally Christmas, Eve!
- What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has No-el.
- How do you know when Santa’s around?
You can always sense his presents.
- What do you call an elf that can sing and dance?
Elfis.
- Where does Santa keep all his money?
At the local snow bank.
- Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store?
He was searching for some holiday spirit.
- Why don’t crabs celebrate Christmas?
Because they’re shell-fish.
- What’s every parent’s favorite Christmas Carol?
Silent Night.
- What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes or Ice Crispies.
- What do you call Santa when he takes a break?
Santa Pause.
- Why is Santa kind of scared of chimneys?
Because he’s so claus-trophobic.
- What do elves learn in school?
The elfa-bet.
- Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party?
He had no body to go with.
- What do you call a cat on the beach on Christmas Day?
Sandyclaws.
- Why do Christmas trees like the past so much?
Because the present’s beneath them.
- Why is Santa so good at karate?
Cause he’s got a black belt.
- What part of the body do you only see around Christmas?
The mistletoe.
- Where does mistletoe go to get famous?
Holly-wood!
- Why is Santa always cast as the lead in the local musical?
Because he has such good presents.
- What do you get when you deep fry Santa?
Crisp Cringle.
- Why does Santa always enter through the chimney?
Because it soots him.
- How do sheep say Merry Christmas in Mexico?
Fleece Navidad.
- What’s Santa’s favorite candy?
Jolly ranchers.
- What do you get when you mix a Christmas tree and an iPad?
A pineapple!
- What do you call a snowman that can walk?
Snow-mobile.
- What do hip-hop artists do on Christmas?
Unwrap.
- What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling?
Mistletoad.
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